Just like me they long to see you on your knees.

I am trying desperately to hold on to how I am feeling right now.
I thought I was leaving this blog; I had my mind set on it. There is just too much shit going on in my head right now for me to begin trying to put it into words - much less type it. But I'm keeping the blog (if anyone reads it anymore, there you go).
I've felt so boring lately. I have one class, 10 hours a week at work, too much free time, and over 10,000 songs to hold my interest on my itunes. I want to be a writer, but all I seem to write are these silly blog entries.
Honestly, I may need to rethink my major and career path. Do I really want to write CD reviews when I can't even put my thoughts into words half of the time?
I want a lot.
And a part of me is wanting to get everything out of me right now and deliver it personally to everyone it concerns.
But fear is holding me back, like it does with every aspect of my life.
I'm 20 years old and I'm still laughing at the thought of growing up. How long will the joke hold before I realize that it will never get me anywhere?

I need to get music out. I want to replicate everything that hits the right chords (pun completely intended). I need to be able to sit down and instantly have ideas and ways of wording. I had not done this since 10th grade, but tonight I got this amazing rush of inspiration that left me with almost half a page of dribble. It's possibly horrible and each phrase is choppy and my recent influence is painfully obvious (to me at least), but it's out and it's mine.

I can no longer hide from my feelings or keep things hush. Why can't I just embrace everything while it is here? Why is living such a huge ordeal for me? What am I afraid of? I hate thinking "What is the worst that could happen?" but I need to be prepared.
I need to say something, toughen up, say goodbye, grit my teeth and deal, lift my eyes from the ground, think I'm beautiful despite the standard telling me otherwise, live.

Baby steps have never seemed so gigantic.